Mutual respect: Based on the assumption of equality, it is the undeniable right of all human beings. Parents who show respect for the child--while winning his/her respect for them, teach the children to respect him/her and others.
Encouragement: Implies faith in and respect for the child as he/she is. A child misbehaves usually when he/she is discouraged and believes he/she cannot succeed by useful means.
Feelings of "security": Are highly subjective and not necessarily related to the actual situation. Real security cannot be found from the outside; it is only possible to achieve it through the experience and feeling of having overcome difficulties.
Reward and punishment: Are ineffective. A child soon considers a reward his/her right and demands a reward for everything. He/she considers that punishment gives him/her the right to punish in turn, and the retaliation of children is usually more effective than the punishment inflicted by the parents. Children often retaliate by not eating, fighting, neglecting schoolwork, or otherwise misbehaving in ways that are the most disturbing to parents.
Natural and logical consequences: Are techniques which allow the child, always with safety of prime importance, to experience the actual result of his/her own behavior.
Natural consequences: Are the direct result of the child's behavior, i.e., Tommy refuses to wear a coat while it is raining: he will get wet.
Logical Consequences: Are established by the parents, and are a direct and logical, not arbitrarily imposed consequence of the behavior, I.e., Helen doesn't want to eat her lunch: she will be hungry until dinner time.
Parents must learn to "mind their own business" and let the child learn from the logical consequences of his/her own behavior.
Acting instead of talking: Is more effective in conflict situations. Talking provides an opportunity for arguments in which the child can defeat the parent. If the parent maintains a calm, patient attitude, he/she can, through quiet action, accomplish positive results. Withdrawal (leaving the child and walking into another room) is most effective when the child demands undue attention or tries to involve you in a power contest. *Often doing nothing effects wonderful results.
The less attention children get when they disturb, the more they need when they are cooperative. You may feel that anger helps get rid of your own tensions, but it does not teach the child what you think he/she should learn.
Don't interfere in children's arguments: By allowing children to resolve their own conflicts they learn to get along better. Many arguments are provoked to get the parent involved, and by separating the children or acting as judge we fall for their provocation, thereby stimulating them to argue more.
Take time for teaching the child: Essential skills and habits are vital. Don't attempt this in a moment of conflict or in company. The parent who "does not have time" for such teaching will have to spend more time correcting an untrained child.
Never do for a child what he/she can do for themselves: A dependent child is a demanding child. Children become irresponsible only when we fail to give them opportunities to take on responsibility.
Overprotection pushes a child down: Parents may feel they are giving when they act for a child; actually they are taking away the child's right to learn and develop. When parents begin to have faith that their children can behave in a responsible way, while allowing them to do so, the children will assume their own responsibilities.
Over-responsible parents often produce irresponsible children: Parents, who take on the responsibility of the child by reminding or doing a task for him/her, encourage the child to be irresponsible.
Distinguish between positive and negative attention: If you want to influence children's behavior, this needs to be done. Feeling unable to gain positive attention, and regarding being ignored as intolerable, children resort to activities which get them negative attention. Negative attention is better than no attention at all!
Understand the child's goal: Every action of a child has a purpose. His/her basic aim is to connect, to be valued and to have a place in the group, be it the family, the class at school, the youth organization, etc., I.e., children need to feel they belong.
The Four Goals of Misbehavior
The child is usually unaware of his goals. His/her behavior, though illogical to others, is consistent with his/her own interpretation of his/her place in the family group.
Attention-getting: Children want attention and service. We feel annoyed because they don't seem to take notice of or remember what we tell them. We feel we need to remind and coax them.
Power: They want to be the boss. We respond by feeling provoked and get into a power contest with them--"you can't get away with this!" A child who wants to be powerful generally has a parent who also seeks power. One person cannot fight alone; when a parent learns to do nothing (by withdrawing, for example) during a power contest, he/she dissipates the child's power, and can begin to establish a healthier relationship with him/her.
Revenge: They want to hurt us because they are hurting. We respond by feeling deeply hurt and revenge our feelings.
Display of assumed inadequacy: They want to be left alone, with no demands made upon them and often have given up. We respond by feeling despair--I don't know what to do!"
If your first impulse is to react in one of these four ways, you can be fairly sure you have discovered the goal of the child's misbehavior.
Minimize mistakes: Making mistakes is human. Dreikurs suggested that we have the courage to be imperfect. The child is also imperfect. Don't make too much fuss and don't worry about his mistakes. Build on the positive, not on the negative.
A Family Meeting: Once a week or so can give every member of the family a chance to express certain issues and discuss what can be done about them. The emphasis should be on "What we can do about the situation."
Have fun together: By doing this, you will help to develop a relationship based on enjoyment, mutual respect, love and affection, mutual confidence and trust, and a feeling of belonging. Instead of talking to nag, scold, preach, and correct, utilize talking to maintain a friendly relationship. Speak to your child with the same respect and consideration that you would express to a good friend.
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